Taking Responsibility

Sixty days without drinking and I am still hurting people – and myself.  It has not been a good start to the week, I even went to two meetings yesterday trying to get my head on straight.  I woke this morning very angry.  My head was telling me that my life sucked,  I was unloved, unappreciated, and taken advantage of.  The thing is – it’s not true, it’s all bullshit, a fantasy being played out in my head for some reason I do not understand.  My life doesn’t suck, I have happy and healthy children, a beautiful wife, a home, job, money, some progress in recovery, friends, etc.

Of course it wasn’t enough to just wake up with this fantasy, I had to act out.  My head replayed all the little bullshit things that I felt slighted me over the last few days and I blurted them out.  Although it appeared so, I wasn’t even initially angry with my wife, unfortunately for her she just happened to be the one that was there to hear my bullshit and I quickly turned it on her.  I realize I wasn’t even angry about the shit I was dumping out,  I was just using those things to justify this fantasy that my life was shitty, and therefore justify my anger.  I wasn’t even very nice to my kids, who I love with all my heart.

On the way to work I started coming down, and cried over the whole thing.  I don’t know why this happens, but I need to stop trying to figure it out and just let it go.  Give it up to my higher power as they say.

So what now?  I cannot change what happened, but I take responsibility and won’t blame it on others.  I will forgive myself and, God willing, I will have another day tomorrow to try and do it better.  Finally, I won’t drink over it.