Sixty days without drinking and I am still hurting people – and myself. It has not been a good start to the week, I even went to two meetings yesterday trying to get my head on straight. I woke this morning very angry. My head was telling me that my life sucked, I was unloved, unappreciated, and taken advantage of. The thing is – it’s not true, it’s all bullshit, a fantasy being played out in my head for some reason I do not understand. My life doesn’t suck, I have happy and healthy children, a beautiful wife, a home, job, money, some progress in recovery, friends, etc.
Of course it wasn’t enough to just wake up with this fantasy, I had to act out. My head replayed all the little bullshit things that I felt slighted me over the last few days and I blurted them out. Although it appeared so, I wasn’t even initially angry with my wife, unfortunately for her she just happened to be the one that was there to hear my bullshit and I quickly turned it on her. I realize I wasn’t even angry about the shit I was dumping out, I was just using those things to justify this fantasy that my life was shitty, and therefore justify my anger. I wasn’t even very nice to my kids, who I love with all my heart.
On the way to work I started coming down, and cried over the whole thing. I don’t know why this happens, but I need to stop trying to figure it out and just let it go. Give it up to my higher power as they say.
So what now? I cannot change what happened, but I take responsibility and won’t blame it on others. I will forgive myself and, God willing, I will have another day tomorrow to try and do it better. Finally, I won’t drink over it.