Today I am grateful that I was compelled to write this blog chronicling my journey through sobriety.
My weekend was not good. Drinking was not an option, but I feel I had a relapse in my “emotional sobriety”, something I am told that eventually will take us back to places we no longer wish to go. The details aren’t the point of this post, let me just say it was all about me: You were wrong, I was right. People screwed me over, my anger was justified, I wasn’t appreciated enough, and so it went in my head. Small issues feeding into other smaller issues, becoming a rumbling steam engine that I could not stop. I did not lose control (or drink) but I was not right with myself or others. I was unable to do the next right thing.
This morning I electronically shared my story (detailed in the first 3 posts of this blog) with another online group. Doing so caused me to go back and read some of my posts from the beginning of my sobriety, and it was eye opening. In those early posts, I detected a bit of newfound humility. Comparing those to my more recent posts, I see that humility slowly draining away. It is not from a lack of “working my program,” I am still doing that, but I notice as I become more comfortable with my physical sobriety, I am becoming more “preachy” about how sobriety should be achieved – as if I am some kind of a fucking expert. I do believe my motives are good in wanting to share with others what has gotten me off the drink, but without humility the message is completely useless – not to mention dangerous for me. Part of this was calculated, for a while I felt as if my blog had turned into too much bitching about my personal day-to-day struggles, and I wanted to take it to a more positive place about what is working for me. I still kind of feel this way, but I need to check myself and make sure my character defect of needing to be in control and having all the answers doesn’t take that to a bad place.
They say relapse is a slow process, and I wonder if my draining humility was a big factor in putting me on the train I was on this weekend. I know that I need to get off that ride because it stops at some very nasty places which I never want to visit again. So, I am grateful that my blog gives me a peek into my progression, that I was able to share my story and revisit some history, and that there is nothing to prevent me from trying to do things differently today.