History Repeating


Propellerheads and Shirley Bassey

Today I am grateful that I was compelled to write this blog chronicling my journey through sobriety.

My weekend was not good. Drinking was not an option, but I feel I had a relapse in my “emotional sobriety”, something I am told that eventually will take us back to places we no longer wish to go. The details aren’t the point of this post, let me just say it was all about me:  You were wrong, I was right. People screwed me over, my anger was justified, I wasn’t appreciated enough, and so it went in my head. Small issues feeding into other smaller issues, becoming a rumbling steam engine that I could not stop. I did not lose control (or drink) but I was not right with myself or others. I was unable to do the next right thing.

This morning I electronically shared my story (detailed in the first 3 posts of this blog) with another online group. Doing so caused me to go back and read some of my posts from the beginning of my sobriety, and it was eye opening. In those early posts, I detected a bit of newfound humility. Comparing those to my more recent posts, I see that humility slowly draining away. It is not from a lack of “working my program,” I am still doing that, but I notice as I become more comfortable with my physical sobriety, I am becoming more “preachy” about how sobriety should be achieved – as if I am some kind of a fucking expert. I do believe my motives are good in wanting to share with others what has gotten me off the drink, but without humility the message is completely useless – not to mention dangerous for me. Part of this was calculated, for a while I felt as if my blog had turned into too much bitching about my personal day-to-day struggles, and I wanted to take it to a more positive place about what is working for me. I still kind of feel this way, but I need to check myself and make sure my character defect of needing to be in control and having all the answers doesn’t take that to a bad place.

They say relapse is a slow process, and I wonder if my draining humility was a big factor in putting me on the train I was on this weekend. I know that I need to get off that ride because it stops at some very nasty places which I never want to visit again. So, I am grateful that my blog gives me a peek into my progression, that I was able to share my story and revisit some history, and that there is nothing to prevent me from trying to do things differently today.

 

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About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

3 responses to “History Repeating

  • byebyebeer

    It strikes me that these emotional relapses are probably a completely normal part of recovery. I don’t know they can be avoided and it’s more what we do with them that’s key. If that’s the case, you seem to be back on track to doing the next right thing. I haven’t gone back to read early posts of my own, possibly because I’m afraid to see how I’ve changed. You’ve put up another thought-provoking post.

  • themiracleisaroundthecorner

    I find I am struggling with issues of this kind as well. I wrote about something similar two days ago. I react with shock and horror when someone is not all about recovery… who the hell am I kidding? I was right there with them 10 months ago. Love this post!

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