In the car on the way to work today the radio played “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley.  What were once just the lyrics of a decent song took on a new meaning for me:

I remember when, I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you’re out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?

Specifically the part “I just knew too much”.  I “knew” that I was fine, and even if not I “knew” that I alone could solve anything.  I “knew” that you were wrong, and I “knew” that I was the smartest person in the room – always.  Not to generalize, but having heard many folks talk in the AA rooms, it seems like this is pretty common thinking for the alcoholic.  I honestly believe that when I stood up for the first time and admitted to being an alcoholic to a group of strangers, that this was the first time in my entire life I had admitted that I did not have everything in complete control.  It was a cathartic experience.  In addition to the fact that “knowing everything” makes you an asshole, it also puts a tremendous  amount of stress and pressure on yourself.  When “knowing everything” fails you (as it always will) you are just driven down further into the abyss.

I am on a journey.  A journey of humility, a journey to understand that things can work out without my intervention, a journey to give myself a break.  It is exciting.


About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

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