Author Archives: A Beast Within

About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey.

Blogging


I’m here. I’m sober, over 2 years now. It is the best thing I have ever done. I have just gone through a difficult time with family (in-law) health issues and death, and I believe that if I was still drinking the emotional wreckage I would have caused would have been unbelievable.

I will admit I don’t feel like blogging these days. I don’t see that as a bad thing, I think I am just not a blogger at heart. In order to get sober, I needed to find rigorous honesty and I believe blogging was my entry into that world. I can say that from that beginning, it grew into my non-anonymous life. I am grateful for that and I would recommend anonymous blogging to anyone if that will help them get started in telling the world who they really are. Telling my story and struggles here was a huge part of my early recovery. It’s not that I have it all figured out either, I just have far less of a need to share every mental twist and turn.

I will admit that with regards to this blog being here , that kind of leaves me with a feeling of unfinished business. Today, I know what that is, and even more important than knowing what that is, is the fact that I am able to admit it. It is me thinking: “they want to hear from me, that I am still sober, they are waiting, they might think I have failed, …”.  Yeah! Ego and grandiosity, I still have it – but I can tell you about it, and that is new.

I don’t think I am alone. I started following many blogs in early sobriety and many have shut down. I know many of them are still sober and maybe they shut them down to turn the unfinished business into finished business – I really don’t know. I considered shutting down this blog, to ease my ego-centered feelings of guilt for not blogging – to close that unfinished business. But I’m not going to do that. I like that this blog is here. I like the idea that someone might find it helpful. I like to read it myself and remember. I like the difficult challenge of learning that this isn’t unfinished business, it’s just my business. I might blog, I might not. There are no blogging quotas or deadlines,  and I don’t need to feed my grandiosity and importance by pretending there are.

Anyway, there was my feeble attempt at closing unfinished business. I end this post and everything remains the same. Peace.


Nameless


Strangers know my name, but it means nothing
they’ve seen my depths, I cannot hide
stripped in life’s lobby, the lights are blinding
and I am afraid

Shame slain by truth and trust
the picture changes
I see their lights, I’m not alone

 

– by abeastwithin, 2013