“If I ever get around to living, it’s gonna be just like I dreamed” – John Mayer
I feel stuck. Waiting for those stories I hear from other recovering alcoholics about how they find so much joy in their life, waiting for that to happen to me. The last two weekends I attended 9 soccer games and a dance recital. I work, I attend my AA meetings, and I obsess about my recovery, that seems to be about it. Not that I don’t enjoy these things at all, I like being there for my kids, and I have some nice conversations with other people – but I don’t really feel like I am “living”. I still feel I am in a robotic stage of life where I just do what is expected of me, perhaps this is how it should be, I don’t know.
Much of the alcoholic state is about selfishness, which presents me with a dilemma. Am I just being a big baby or am I really missing something? I also wonder if I am just using the soccer games and everything else as an excuse for not finding motivation to seek out joy for myself – but it sure seems like I don’t have time.
When I discuss these thoughts with other alcoholics, I do not get much sympathy. Most of them seem to be the type of alcoholic whose selfishness was manifested by neglecting everything around them, so they will suggest to me that these thoughts are self-centered and that I should actually do less for myself. I feel like I was the opposite type of alcoholic, I did everything for everybody else, albeit for selfish reasons; so that I could feed my twisted need to have everybody think I was awesome, and therefore continue to drink. My wife often indicates that her number one problem with me is that I don’t enjoy life, so I reason that by finding joy for myself would not be selfish as I would be doing something for her as well. Maybe I am just rationalizing and I am in fact doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and need to find happiness in that, and these other thoughts are just the alcoholic self-centeredness coming out.
I would interested to hear other people’s comments or experiences with this.