The friends who didn’t want to start my wife’s healthy diet game (with limited drinking), because “Cinco De Mayo” is coming up. The friend who wouldn’t BBQ at my house, possibly because he was waiting for his weed connection. Our friend who is suffering because her friends are not speaking to her over something that was said during a drunken conversation. And the single mom who, when my wife stopped by, was completely smashed and having trouble walking a straight line – in front of the kids. All of this just last weekend – another sunny day in the ‘burbs.
My thoughts switch between, “And why is it me that is here?”, “I’m glad I am here”, and “I want to reach out to them”. I know I cannot reach out, for multiple reasons. It is too early and I need to focus on myself, a project that was not at all successful this weekend (but no, I didn’t drink). Also, I have this awareness of a fine line between the AA concept of helping others, and feeding my character defect of having all the answers – and I still need to focus on reminding my self that I do not. Finally, as an alcoholic myself, I know that it would only be help if they sought it out themselves.
I will take a couple of things from this… One is that I notice it and it makes me sad, and that is ok. Not in a “holier than thou” sort of way, but seeing my awareness as progress. In the past I would not have even registered these things – just another day in the life. Today, I am aware, and I take them as a reminder, that although I still struggle with life -I am grateful that I am here and doing what I am doing.