Yesterday the family was gone for the night. Another bridge to cross as this was always a great drinking opportunity for me. Not that I would usually drink any more than when they were there, but there always seemed to be something about the freedom, lack of responsibility, and absence of watchful eyes that would trigger some kind of excitement. Sometimes I would go to the local dive bar for a bit, ogle the hot bartenders and revel in the misery of the regulars who were more fucked up than me. More often I would just stock up the drink and imbibe at home until sleep took me. Today I see that as just another example of the insanity, my life is pretty busy with work and 3 kids, and I would take this opportunity to just get wasted – by myself usually. I now think that I just didn’t want to be alone with myself.
I was already a bit emotionally off, after the aforementioned friction with my wife. I left work with some trepidation, aware of the power of the empty house. When I arrived home I put on some music and just laid on my couch, prayed, meditated, read some Big Book, and maybe dozed off a bit. I used to think naps were for weak people, and I would brag that I never took them. Alcohol always gave me a lot of energy – until I crashed. I went to a men’s meeting later and the topic was awesome. I returned home and read some blogs and watched a TV show and went to sleep. I also used to brag about how I didn’t watch TV anymore (maybe too busy drinking?).
I felt better.
Another bridge I will need to cross someday is going out of town on business, to the empty hotel room. Something I have done in the past quite often, but not yet in my sobriety. I think when this happens I will hang out with that guy again, he was pretty cool.