I have accepted that in my recovery I need to reach out to a Higher Power. I now pray to that Higher Power, and I am ok with loosely defining my Higher Power as God. I do it, and it helps, but I am still unsure in how much I “believe”. I still try to figure everything out, still have moments where I cannot shut the reasoning machine completely off. I question myself and fear that there is still some lack of acceptance that will prevent me from being freed from my emotional demons.
This morning I had a dream. It was one of those brief waking dreams, without a complete story. In this dream I saw a yellow piece of paper with a list of written lines, my hand was reaching out for this paper. The lines were all illegible except for the first, which read:
“Hope in God, and you will have him for now.”
This made little sense to me at first. When I woke I started tripping on the belief that I had just been sent a message. A message that said I didn’t need to fully believe, that maybe, just maybe, hoping that there is a God is enough. With hope there are no barriers, I can pray and reach out to my Higher Power with no reservations. Perhaps with time, hope grows into faith and I will have him forever, but with hope I have him for now, and maybe that is enough…
I am starting to feel a bit “preachy” these days so I will leave you with this. Of course, being the alcoholic that I am, I am a slow learner and immediately after having this “revelation”, I made a smart-ass comment to my wife about something that had hurt my feelings and ended up royally fucking up my morning. Progress not perfection they say…..