Maybe that is enough…

I have accepted that in my recovery I need to reach out to a Higher Power.  I now pray to that Higher Power, and I am ok with loosely defining my Higher Power as God.  I do it, and it helps, but I am still unsure in how much I “believe”. I still try to figure everything out, still have moments where I cannot shut the reasoning machine completely off. I question myself and fear that there is still some lack of acceptance that will prevent me from being freed from my emotional demons.

This morning I had a dream. It was one of those brief waking dreams, without a complete story. In this dream I saw a yellow piece of paper with a list of written lines, my hand was reaching out for this paper.  The lines were all illegible except for the first, which read:

 “Hope in God, and you will have him for now.” 

This made little sense to me at first. When I woke I started tripping on the belief that I had just been sent a message. A message that said I didn’t need to fully believe, that maybe, just maybe, hoping that there is a God is enough.  With hope there are no barriers, I can pray and reach out to my Higher Power with no reservations. Perhaps with time, hope grows into faith and I will have him forever, but with hope I have him for now, and maybe that is enough…

I am starting to feel a bit “preachy” these days so I will leave you with this.  Of course, being the alcoholic that I am, I am a slow learner and immediately after having this “revelation”, I made a smart-ass comment to my wife about something that had hurt my feelings and ended up royally fucking up my morning.  Progress not perfection they say…..

About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

2 responses to “Maybe that is enough…

  • karenlessscripted

    For me, trusting my higher power (God, to me) makes it easier to accept that I don’t have many answers and that I probably never will. Opening myself up to the energy that created me makes me feel more connected to everyone and makes me more compassionate. I don’t think God has a religion and He (or She) speaks to each of us in the way that is most meaningful to us at the time. That can change and evolve. Now I’m getting preachy. 🙂

  • byebyebeer

    Trippy dream. And you never come across as preachy, quite the opposite. This post is perfect for me because lately I’ve been struggling with the whole idea that a higher power can help remove all my character defects (struggling through step 6 right now). I have gone back and forth on the whole higher power/god thing since day 1, like so many. Yet when I step back and shut off all the doubting babble, I kind of know it will work and I just need to let go. Progress not perfection for sure.

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