Ticking away the moments

That make up a dull day

Fritter and waste the hours

In an off-hand way

I still catch myself searching for ways that my drinking was damaging, it is the disease telling me that it wasn’t that bad, that I can go back and it will be ok – bad thinking indeed.  Recently I have had some progress in realizing that, for me, it wasn’t always what happened when I drank, it was what didn’t happen.  Or maybe even what happened without me – time.

When I was drinking, I never thought I wasted time.  On those rare occasions when I didn’t have weekends full of kids sporting events, I always thought I was doing something.  Puttering around the yard, beer in hand, cleaning up, fixing things, mowing lawns, hanging with kids, etc.  I even managed to remodel an entire bathroom a few years ago, yes it took forever, but I am not a carpenter by trade.  My ego even praised myself because I didn’t take naps like other people, I looked down on “lazy” people who take naps and just lie around on the weekends.  I did not waste time drinking because I was always doing something else.  Yay me.

Enter this weekend, a light sports weekend that I would spend mostly at home, sober.  As before, I worked in my yard, I spent time with my kids, etc.  And I was actually bored for much of the other time, I did some lying around, I took a nap, and I reflected on where all of this time magically came from, it is still kind of a mystery to me.  Perhaps my previous perception was wrong, or skewed from the drink.  Perhaps I didn’t correctly calculate the 2 hour “breaks” I would take in order to tip back a few with the neighbors.  An ever scarier thought: perhaps it was not the drink itself, by my addicted brain manipulating the perception of time, in order to speed the arrival of that moment when it would be politically correct to crack open the first Budweiser.

Whatever it was, the time is there now, it is very obvious.  I feel guilty for all the years I wasted it, and I also feel a bit guilty that I don’t quite know what to do with my newfound gift yet.

What now?  I guess time will tell.

About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

3 responses to “Time

  • Renee, The Sober Party Girl

    The thing I am noticing is the level of engagement I have in the activities I do now. I am doing a lot of the same activities but I am more present in them now. Does that make sense? It is like I have been in a fog for years, never really feeling much of anything. I wonder if that’s something like what you are describing.

    • A Beast Within

      Definitely that, but also seem to have this “extra” time now too. Probably much of it from avoiding the impromptu garage and backyard gatherings we keep mentioning. I am a bit uncomfortable with myself right now because I see the opportunity to take advantage of this extra time but I seem to be just mentally exhausted and unable to take on anything new.

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