Disapproval, resentment, and the bag lady

Nowadays, I like to write about things I don’t understand about myself, character defects or perhaps the “insanity” they talk about, this is one of those stories.

There is a lady in our neighborhood that dives through our recycling bins and collects cans, cruising around on a bicycle full of plastic bags.  It never bothered me much but I cannot say the same about some of the neighbors, they would discuss how this was not legal and how this lady had plenty of money and didn’t need to do this.  I don’t know if this has much to do with my story, just some background.

For the past few months she has been in the coffee shop I work in on Friday’s.  Bag laden bike parked outside, working on her laptop and tablet.  The tables are against the wall and I always find one with an electrical outlet near and pull the table away from the wall so I am not trying to type up against the wall.  When I did this the first time, she made a loud disapproving noise as a reaction to the metal table legs sliding against the tile.  This angered me, I had resentment due to her disapproval of my actions.  How dare she verbally react to something I was doing well within my right?

On my next couple of visits I took great pleasure in dragging the table out slowly, making as much of an annoying noise as possible.  There, I will teach her for disapproving of me!  She reacted every time and I liked it.  I really cannot understand this at all.  It even goes beyond me getting back for someone “wronging” me, because she didn’t really even wrong me or disapprove of my action, just reacted to a noise that was uncomfortable for her.  So, I am reacting to a perceived disapproval – resentment.

A few visits later all of the tables near the outlets were taken.  As I searched around, she got up from her chair and tried to help me – offering her outlet.  I declined and used battery, but something changed in me.  Now I pick the table up and move it so it does not make a noise.  In reflection, I was initially proud of my new behavior, but now not so much.  I realize I may have changed my behavior just because “I got mine”.  I am a scorekeeper and since she had now done something for me, only now could I do the right thing.

At this point, all I have left is to ask my higher power to remove this thinking and behavior from me.

About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

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