The Beast is sneaking around my doorstep, I can feel him. He is not yet strong enough to enter, but he senses the weakness, the opportunity. There is a chink in the armor and if it isn’t repaired he will gleefully come home…
One of the things I was so enlightened to discover about the 12-step recovery program is that it wasn’t about just not picking up a drink. It teaches a way of living life “emotionally sober” and “spiritually fit” so that one does not HAVE to drink. I embraced that idea, I saw the value, it works for me – I wanted it, badly. I made progress with the steps and the tools, I punctured my ego, I found humility and spirituality, and the desire to drink was lifted from me.
I have emotionally relapsed. The anger is back. I am right. People do not appreciate what I do, they just want more. My family is ungrateful. Nobody cares about my feelings and I need to make them pay for that. I know what I need to do: but I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to call another alcoholic, I don’t want to do another 4th or 10th step, I don’t want to make amends to my wife for my cranky behavior, because SHE is wrong and if I let her get away with that then I just fear it will continue over and over, I don’t want to be grateful. I want to be angry, and that is why I am sick.
I wont drink today. I will take some solace in the fact, that unlike ever before, at least I understand where I am. I know what needs to be done, but right now I am unable to do it. At the moment I am powerless over my self-righteous anger. I will try to pray for the willingness to do what I know needs to be done. I will fight through this shit.