Here be Dragons


The Beast is sneaking around my doorstep, I can feel him. He is not yet strong enough to enter, but he senses the weakness, the opportunity. There is a chink in the armor and if it isn’t repaired he will gleefully come home…

One of the things I was so enlightened to discover about the 12-step recovery program is that it wasn’t about just not picking up a drink. It teaches a way of living life “emotionally sober” and “spiritually fit” so that one does not HAVE to drink. I embraced that idea, I saw the value, it works for me – I wanted it, badly. I made progress with the steps and the tools, I punctured my ego, I found humility and spirituality, and the desire to drink was lifted from me.

I have emotionally relapsed. The anger is back. I am right. People do not appreciate what I do, they just want more. My family is ungrateful. Nobody cares about my feelings and I need to make them pay for that. I know what I need to do: but I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to call another alcoholic, I don’t want to do another 4th or 10th step, I don’t want to make amends to my wife for my cranky behavior, because SHE is wrong and if I let her get away with that then I just fear it will continue over and over, I don’t want to be grateful. I want to be angry, and that is why I am sick.

I wont drink today. I will take some solace in the fact, that unlike ever before, at least I understand where I am. I know what needs to be done, but right now I am unable to do it. At the moment I am powerless over my self-righteous anger. I will try to pray for the willingness to do what I know needs to be done. I will fight through this shit.

 

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About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

2 responses to “Here be Dragons

  • mishedup

    How’s it going today?
    Still fighting the good fight?
    It’s amazing and awful how we know what to do but we still have that choice to sit in it ….be right or be happy, right?
    I feel you.
    Don’t sit in it too long, please.

    • A Beast Within

      Hi M.

      I am doing better, thanks. I really wanted to be right, as you said – awful. Started feeling better and then went to a meeting this morning – first one in a week. Not sitting in it anymore.

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