We’ve Lost Our Way…


Last night, after a 17.5 hour day which started with a 4 am airport drop-off, I arrived home to a frustrated, overwhelmed and tired wife who was in a full blown conflict with our just turned 5 year old daughter.  It was all I could do to not become angry and resentful, after all, MY day was pretty damn long and I needed to go to bed. I kept my serenity and calmly offered to help, thank you AA, that would have never happened before, even if sober.  Alas, that is not what this story is about.

As I put my daughter to bed and tucked her in I said, “Tomorrow will be a good day.”  She immediately replied “I know Daddy, tomorrow will be better.”  I was immediately struck dumb with the realization that she had so easily and naturally exhibited behavior that I am struggling so hard to relearn.  The acceptance, forgiveness, faith,  gratitude, and hope we alcoholics are struggling with was so automatic for her.  I realized that, like her, I had these things once.  It was I who had lost them.  Actually not lost them, these traits are in the same place they have always been, the same place they are in my 5 year old daughter – It was I who had wandered away. I remember having a similar revelation in my first few weeks of sobriety, during that time when you are thinking you can never have fun again without the drink. I looked at my kids and saw the joy with which they live life, unaided by ethanol.  It is possible I thought, and this has helped me get through.

I dont know if we lose our way because of the alcohol, or we are lost first and turn to it as a result. I guess it is probably a bit of both, which means it will feed on itself forever unless the cycle is broken. I did not simply take the wrong path, for that would imply I could easily retrace my steps and take the correct one.  Nor am I up the creek without a paddle, for that would imply that if I only had a paddle I could easily return to where I should be. It is more like I have slowly drifted off to sea, without a paddle.  Being given the tools is only one part of the solution, I need to use them to get back on course, a course which has long been forgotten.  I feel that the 12 step program has given me some tools, and now it is up to me to use them.

At the end of the day, I am ok with being lost.  Lost is not dead, lost is not forever, lost means that we can be found, lost means that “tomorrow can be better.”

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About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

4 responses to “We’ve Lost Our Way…

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