Today I have been clean and sober for 9 months. It feels great. There are many things to deal with, and being around big drinking situations can still be emotionally tough, but I honestly cannot imagine what it would feel like to be drunk anymore, it is just not appealing. Sometimes I imagine what a beer or swig of vodka would taste like and I cannot imagine anything other than disgusting. Perhaps this is all just manufactured in my head, but if I have developed another voice that will stand up to The Beast, then I am certainly ok with that.
On my milestones I try really hard not to celebrate as if it is some prideful accomplishment of my own. That isn’t easy, I have taken some action and it would be dishonest for me to say I don’t feel any pride at all, but I certainly don’t need to act on that. I work hard to give credit to a power other than myself, which isn’t too much of a stretch since I could never fix myself before. I can remember back at 30/60 days etc. when I expected a parade down main street, and that just seems wrong. At 5 or 6 months I actually posted a picture of my recovery calendar (which showed the milestone) in an online group. Looking back on that now, it just seems wrong (for me) as my main character defects are pride and ego, and I have to question why I would do that. Please know that I am not judging anyone else, if this kind of stuff helps you keep sober then please carry on, just describing how it is for me.
When I chew on this topic, a portion of Step 10 in the 12 x 12 speaks to me, and I will leave you with that:
“We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt.
Now that we’re in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against “big-shot-ism” we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.”