9


Today I have been clean and sober for 9 months. It feels great. There are many things to deal with, and being around big drinking situations can still be emotionally tough, but I honestly cannot imagine what it would feel like to be drunk anymore, it is just not appealing. Sometimes I imagine what a beer or swig of vodka would taste like and I cannot imagine anything other than disgusting. Perhaps this is all just manufactured in my head, but if I have developed another voice that will stand up to The Beast, then I am certainly ok with that.

On my milestones I try really hard not to celebrate as if it is some prideful accomplishment of my own. That isn’t easy, I have taken some action and it would be dishonest for me to say I don’t feel any pride at all, but I certainly don’t need to act on that. I work hard to give credit to a power other than myself, which isn’t too much of a stretch since I could never fix myself before. I can remember back at 30/60 days etc. when I expected a parade down main street, and that just seems wrong. At 5 or 6 months I actually posted a picture of my recovery calendar (which showed the milestone) in an online group. Looking back on that now, it just seems wrong (for me) as my main character defects are pride and ego, and I have to question why I would do that. Please know that I am not judging anyone else, if this kind of stuff helps you keep sober then please carry on, just describing how it is for me.

When I chew on this topic, a portion of Step 10 in the 12 x 12 speaks to me, and I will leave you with that:

“We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt.

Now that we’re in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against “big-shot-ism” we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.”

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About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

6 responses to “9

  • waynemali

    Great post, so happy for you, I’m not far behind myself. Don’t feel guilty about celebrating, if not for you, just for praise of the work God has done within you, you should be proud of that.

  • sswl

    Wonderful to hear, Lance. Congratulations on your hard work and commitment.

    Susan

  • mishedup

    Congratulations Lance.
    I am 20 months today.
    I feel a bit of pride for both of us, if that;s ok 😉
    I have been talking about just this with my sponsor. I faced my first holidays last year sober, and I got through them running on a lot of pride and self-satisfaction. I felt too much, it was hard, but I showed up, didn’t drink, faced my sorrows and difficulties and I was, yes..proud of myself.
    This year is different, i can feel it.
    While i think a little healthy pride in ourselves is good, as i grow in AA and sobriety I know that it all has to be backed by the work, and especially the spiritual work…
    hard stuff for me.
    So this year is harder, more meetings, more 10th steps, more honesty. More contact with my sponsor, more spiritual searching, more work.
    I’m rawer, and I expected it to be easier….Hah!
    Now I am more grateful than proud,
    but a little bit of pride goes a long way with me now, and I am grateful for that too.

    michele

    • A Beast Within

      Way to go, 20 months. I hear what you are saying, my head keeps telling me that 1 year is some magical milestone and that all the fog will lift then. I know better, that is probably the disease setting me up for disappointment. At least I have a few months to deal with that voice.

  • runningonsober

    Congratulations on your continued sobriety! At 18+ months, like Michele, I am just so damn grateful. The pride is normal in the first year I believe, and it should be! Getting and staying sober is a huge deal! The gratitude and humility really start to soak in after a bit when we truly see how far we’ve come and we know that “but for the grace of god, there go I”. I’m not only grateful for where I am, but grateful for where I am not.

    Again, congratulations! One day at a time…

  • themiracleisaroundthecorner

    Great stuff, and I too am proud for you!

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