Strangers know my name, but it means nothing
they’ve seen my depths, I cannot hide
stripped in life’s lobby, the lights are blinding
and I am afraid
Shame slain by truth and trust
the picture changes
I see their lights, I’m not alone
– by abeastwithin, 2013
In case you wondered, I am good. Sobriety continues and although there are bad days sometimes, it mostly just keeps getting better. I was trying to think about why I haven’t blogged recently. Maybe I only like to blog when I need to get something out, and therefore I must be doing better cause there’s nothing to get out. Or maybe I am not getting it out so I’m not better. Ahh, alcoholic, spinning head, must figure it out behavior…. I’m going to blog when I feel like it and that’s that!
I had a bit of an epiphany a couple days ago, funny how this seems to keep happening in sobriety. My epiphany is about how finding the “kernel of truth” just makes everything better for me.
Once in a while, in our more heated moments, my wife will say “You Haven’t Changed”. Yes, this hurts. You might consider it mean or whatever, but that’s not the point of this post – I love my wife and all of us say things sometimes. The point I do want to make is that finding the kernel of truth set me free from this statement. When she said this it would really bother me, it was bullshit, I have changed a lot and she knew it, she even recognizes it sometimes, she’s just trying to stab me, on and on. Believing that her comment was completely false essentially kept me in chains. My breakthrough was this: I realized that, to her, at that exact moment and time, I hadn’t changed. Maybe not even just to her, maybe at that moment in time, or on that day, I was acting like I used to when I was drinking. A kernel of truth. For some reason, that realization set me free. The “You Haven’t Changed” comment carries a lot less power now, I am comfortable with my change and I don’t need to argue whether it is there. My therapist called this “reframing”, I don’t really know what that means. I do know that releasing myself from this comment in this way goes against everything I would have ever believed. Amazed every day.