Tag Archives: alcoholism

9


Today I have been clean and sober for 9 months. It feels great. There are many things to deal with, and being around big drinking situations can still be emotionally tough, but I honestly cannot imagine what it would feel like to be drunk anymore, it is just not appealing. Sometimes I imagine what a beer or swig of vodka would taste like and I cannot imagine anything other than disgusting. Perhaps this is all just manufactured in my head, but if I have developed another voice that will stand up to The Beast, then I am certainly ok with that.

On my milestones I try really hard not to celebrate as if it is some prideful accomplishment of my own. That isn’t easy, I have taken some action and it would be dishonest for me to say I don’t feel any pride at all, but I certainly don’t need to act on that. I work hard to give credit to a power other than myself, which isn’t too much of a stretch since I could never fix myself before. I can remember back at 30/60 days etc. when I expected a parade down main street, and that just seems wrong. At 5 or 6 months I actually posted a picture of my recovery calendar (which showed the milestone) in an online group. Looking back on that now, it just seems wrong (for me) as my main character defects are pride and ego, and I have to question why I would do that. Please know that I am not judging anyone else, if this kind of stuff helps you keep sober then please carry on, just describing how it is for me.

When I chew on this topic, a portion of Step 10 in the 12 x 12 speaks to me, and I will leave you with that:

“We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt.

Now that we’re in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against “big-shot-ism” we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours.”

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History Repeating


Propellerheads and Shirley Bassey

Today I am grateful that I was compelled to write this blog chronicling my journey through sobriety.

My weekend was not good. Drinking was not an option, but I feel I had a relapse in my “emotional sobriety”, something I am told that eventually will take us back to places we no longer wish to go. The details aren’t the point of this post, let me just say it was all about me:  You were wrong, I was right. People screwed me over, my anger was justified, I wasn’t appreciated enough, and so it went in my head. Small issues feeding into other smaller issues, becoming a rumbling steam engine that I could not stop. I did not lose control (or drink) but I was not right with myself or others. I was unable to do the next right thing.

This morning I electronically shared my story (detailed in the first 3 posts of this blog) with another online group. Doing so caused me to go back and read some of my posts from the beginning of my sobriety, and it was eye opening. In those early posts, I detected a bit of newfound humility. Comparing those to my more recent posts, I see that humility slowly draining away. It is not from a lack of “working my program,” I am still doing that, but I notice as I become more comfortable with my physical sobriety, I am becoming more “preachy” about how sobriety should be achieved – as if I am some kind of a fucking expert. I do believe my motives are good in wanting to share with others what has gotten me off the drink, but without humility the message is completely useless – not to mention dangerous for me. Part of this was calculated, for a while I felt as if my blog had turned into too much bitching about my personal day-to-day struggles, and I wanted to take it to a more positive place about what is working for me. I still kind of feel this way, but I need to check myself and make sure my character defect of needing to be in control and having all the answers doesn’t take that to a bad place.

They say relapse is a slow process, and I wonder if my draining humility was a big factor in putting me on the train I was on this weekend. I know that I need to get off that ride because it stops at some very nasty places which I never want to visit again. So, I am grateful that my blog gives me a peek into my progression, that I was able to share my story and revisit some history, and that there is nothing to prevent me from trying to do things differently today.