A small one, but a miracle to me nonetheless….
I described how I once again spoiled my wife’s Easter in yesterdays post The Easter Troll. I know she was angry and I slipped out to work on Monday morning (as she slept) without discussing anything. The way our relationship works is that at some point, when someone has offended the other, a scolding will occur which will in turn raise the defensiveness and justification and feed the next cycle. That’s just how it has been for years.
Monday afternoon we met for lunch as the family was over near my office. During lunch my wife reached out her hand to me and said “Good job getting through the day yesterday, I know it was stressful for you”. I almost fell on the fucking floor, this NEVER happens. Immediately my defenses dropped, I admitted that I had not really gotten through the day very well and that I hoped to do better. If she had scolded me for my behavior I know that even though I realized my behavior had not been good, I would have justified, defended, and pointed out all the reasons why I deserved to act the way I did.
For the record, I will say that I am not completely comfortable with this. I should not need my wife to coddle me in order to not be defensive, and I need to learn to deal with other people pointing out my mistakes. However, it wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that her different behavior made me feel really good. I went back to thinking I still had a chance to be a better person. I also realized that I could switch the roles, instead of slamming her next time she makes a mistake, I could find something good and bring that up instead. Maybe she would feel as good as I did and we could feed the cycle in a different way.
Could it be that my higher power is at work?