The tipping point…

Yes, there was an “event”.  I was angry about a situation with this new puppy we had, and I was drinking from a vodka bottle stashed in my garage – it was the weekend after all, my right to have “fun”.  My wife retreated into a bedroom , with the kids, and I yelled and pounded on the door – shameful, shameful behavior.  I slammed and broke doors, finally passing out and giving them peace.  My wife was fed up, she, her mother, and my mother urged me to get help – to go to AA.  I finished what little was left of the bottle the next morning.

This had happened before, and it was not this event, nor their urging that caused me to look within – that in itself would never have been enough to cause a change.  It was the culmination, the sum total of the pain caused to others and myself, the fact that I really didn’t like myself,  the realization that it was getting worse and that it would continue to do so, that finally tipped the balance of justice.  I went to some AA meetings (more on that later), even found one I liked.  But it would not be the last time I drank…

I was fighting it, I wasn’t an alcoholic, I don’t do all that bad shit, that guy drinks more, I am successful, it can’t be me.  Let me take this test again – shit, 12 out of 20, 3 or more is a fail.  It is your fault, I wasn’t always this way, you made me do this.  How would I ever have fun again?  I thought of all the things I would miss, so unfair.  I was in denial, but something had in fact changed – the scales had been tipped.

I drank again.  My wife had been asking me to spend some time away from home, and I finally agreed – out of pure anger.  Nothing to lose now, I holed up in a hotel room for 2 days and  went on a vodka bender.  I returned home (wife went to visit mother) and continued at home for 2 more days.  Polished off an entire 5th on President’s Day, finishing off a 4 day bender, that was my last drink.

They say that alcohol never made anything better, if you were lucky things were the same, and if not they are worse.  I mostly agree with this, but there are exceptions to every rule.  In this case I believe some good came out of this binge.  I hated it, I hated it when I was doing it and when it was over.  It made me realize that nothing good did come from drinking, the irony being that something good did come from this episode.  This was my bottom, I was done.  Nothing left to see here, time to move on.

I still have not fully embraced AA, I am still guarded – it is my nature.  I am “checking it out”.  I haven’t gotten a sponsor and am not yet “working” the steps – but I am thinking about them.  I respect the guys there and like it when they approach me, but don’t yet have the courage to approach them.  It is a work in progress.  But I am not drinking, I don’t want to, and don’t feel like I am “white knuckling” it either, so that is good for now.  I will keep going back.


About A Beast Within

Trying to find myself, battling alcoholism, and other personal demons. Sharing the journey. View all posts by A Beast Within

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